Major Lenders Shore Up Takoma Park Mulch Pile to Prevent Collapse of City’s Largest Investment

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Seeking to avoid a repeat of last week’s collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, a group of large lenders deposited billions of leaves today into the fast-shrinking Takoma Park municipal mulch pile, easing fears that the city could potentially lose its biggest asset.

“If the city’s leaf mulch reserve were to ever be depleted, Takoma Park’s entire economy would crash,” said Chip Donahue, Deputy Assistant Director of the FDIC’s Compost Division. “Injecting the pile with more leaves now will help stabilize local markets and bring back confidence in the city’s Free Marxist economic system.”

Concerns about the pile had been building since federal regulators noticed that high demand for leaf mulch in early Spring was likely to outpace deposits from leaf collection last Fall. As gardeners and landscapers started making large withdrawals from the pile this month, it became increasingly clear the public works department had insufficient mulch capital to fulfill claims, and a wave of panic began to ripple through the natural fertilizer community.

While most lawn enthusiasts greeted the subsequent bailout of the failing mulch pile with relief, some residents feel the government should stay out of composting entirely.

“Deregulation is what we really need,” said local gardener Lucy Miller. “City leaf collection dates are always inconvenient, and everyone should be able to create their own big, stinky compost piles wherever they see fit without government oversight. Some of us think rats are actually a good thing to have around.”

Regardless of the fate of Takoma Park’s favorite investment asset, residents were assured that their garden investments are well protected. Thanks to FDIC insurance on organic matter, every Takoma Park household will receive up to ten cubic yards of leaves, rotten vegetables and eggshells in the event of a total mulch pile collapse.