Mirroring Major League Baseball’s new attempt to speed up the pace of play, Little League has also now adopted a pitch clock, which will give young, inexperienced pitchers only 15 seconds to absorb all of the conflicting instructions shouted at them by random parents in the stands.
“Little League baseball games are really boring to watch, so we hope this new pitch clock will make these kids hurry up and allow us to go home sooner and get back to more important things,” said parent Katherine Greene. “Finally we’ll get to see more action instead of big stretches of Little Johnny purposely stalling the game because he’s paralyzed with indecisiveness and needs to be consoled by the coach in yet another unnecessary mound visit.”
While the pitch clock penalizes pitchers who take too much time, it’s important to note that hitters will be affected, too. Batters stepping up to the plate have only 8 seconds to react to the entire team’s parents yelling, “Keep your elbow up!” “Bend your knees!” “Don’t look at me, watch the pitcher!” “Only swing at strikes!” “Keep your eye on the ball!” “Get your bat off your shoulder!” “Pay attention!” “No, stop looking at me and watch the pitcher!” “Don’t drop your hands!” “Concentrate!” and “Just relax!”
If the pitch clock is successful at reducing wasted time in youth baseball games, the league plans to adopt more time saving rules for next season. Starting in 2024, overbearing dads will only have 15 seconds to completely lose their shit, storm onto the field, and fight another grown man over a blown call in a game where the score isn’t being kept and everyone gets a trophy in the end.