GOP: Genderless Potato Head Will Destroy Female Potato Sports

WASHINGTON, DC – After Hasbro announced a gender-neutral Potato Head toy, conservatives were outraged at the possibility that non-female potato heads could “ruin” female potato sports.

“I do believe that gender-neutral potato heads participating in women’s potato sports will destroy women’s potato sports entirely,” said Tennessee Governor Bill Lee. “It will ruin the opportunity for female potatoes to earn tuber-based scholarships, and it will put a glass ceiling back over vegetable drawers that hasn’t been there in some time.”

Lee’s comments come as the nation is grappling with Hasbro dropping the “Mister” prefix from “Mr. Potato Head.” Republicans claim the decision leaves the refrigerator door open to genderless potato athletes having an unfair advantage in strength and ability over female counterparts in sports like potato softball, potato field hockey, and potato water polo.

In addition to regulating sports participation, the newly introduced Fair Play in Female Root Vegetable Sports bill extends the divisive rhetoric behind controversial “potato bathroom bills” into the sports world by requiring that potato heads use only the locker room that corresponds to their designated gender at the time of their sprouting.

“Potatoes sharing changing facilities is a health and safety issue,” said Lee. “We simply cannot allow our female potato athletes to take their potato accessories out of their butts in the same changing rooms as male potato athletes.”

If their potato head sports bill succeeds, Republicans are already planning to extend their conservative, gender essentialist views to other popular toys. Ideas under consideration include a ban on unmarried Barbie dolls and a prohibition on female little green Army soldiers from serving in combat play roles.