‘Conservative Feminism’ Movement Launched With Permission From Mitch McConnell

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Republican women’s groups hoping to shore up the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court have launched a full scale effort to paint Barrett as a trailblazing “conservative feminist” after seeking and receiving permission from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to speak publicly and attend press events unaccompanied.

“We are so excited to be here advocating for an awesome #GirlBoss,” said Pamela Miller of the newly formed advocacy group The Good Wives. “Everyone knows that the appointment of a woman to a position of power is a total victory for all women, no matter how that power gets exercised.”

The conservative feminism movement got off to a rough start as Republicans, conditioned for decades to view feminism as something to be mocked and disregarded, were hesitant to embrace the label. “I’m a little confused,” said Phyllis Rose, a bystander at The Good Wives’ first public event. “I was always taught that feminism is about hating men. So I guess conservative feminism is hating men while loving the capital gains tax?”

Senator McConnell, in attendance to supervise the rollout of the Barrett nomination, encouraged attendees not to think too hard about the terminology. “Now isn’t the time to get side tracked by definitions and reading comprehension,” said McConnell. “I know the phrase is literally oxymoronic, but maybe it could be one of those sayings that everyone accepts even though they make no sense. Like a ‘drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway’ situation, you know?”

Unfortunately for McConnell, most American women are able to use their little lady brains to determine that there is no brand of feminism that can be compatible with a reactionary, small minded political ideology that seeks to retain and reinforce longstanding social, political and economic power structures.

“Republicans must be out of their damn minds if they think we’re going to accept ‘conservative feminism’ as a thing,” said thinking human being Chrissy Stevens. “What’s next? Vegan slaughterhouses? Atheist Baptists? It’s like words have no meaning anymore. I might as well say that Mitch McConnell is a handsome man with a strong chin and good moral character.”

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