WASHINGTON, DC – Facing increasing backlash, Secretary of Education Betsy Devos is forcing America’s children back into physical classrooms citing the difficulty of training for an active school shooter from a video screen while safe at home.
“I know kids these days are amazing at Fortnite and other violent video games,” said DeVos. “But nothing can replicate the real experience that comes from live action training scenarios, where you put on your bulletproof backpack, hunker down by your cubby, and try to think about LEGOs instead of the real sound and feel of bullets whizzing by your heads. It’s so exhilarating!”
As the national debate over whether it’s safe to send kids back to school during a second wave of Coronavirus cases consumes America, Devos and President Trump are ignoring experts and pushing full steam ahead to demand students learn in a physical classroom no matter what the consequences.
“America needs to prepare our students to stop being such babies and face life or death situations head on,” stated Devos. “If they’re worried about some hoax virus like Covid-19 killing just .02% of them, just wait until we require that all students, teachers, and janitors must arm themselves when entering school property.”
Despite DeVos’s hard line, President Trump has recently signaled he would be willing to negotiate on the school reopening policy with some governors, including those in Florida, Georgia, Texas and any other state that believes science is a liberal hoax invented to make Bill Gates richer. Children in those states will be allowed to miss school in exchange for working in factories, mills and road crews to carry out the ever-elusive Infrastructure Week.
Citing America’s proud history of child labor, Trump said, “Think of it. Our coal industry. Our farms. Our textile mills. All of them owe their existence to children. And now, today’s kids can take on the important work of literally rebuilding the nation’s crumbling schools.”