Under pressure from President Trump to create a monument for himself on the same scope and scale as Mount Rushmore, the National Park Service announced that it has selected the Grand Canyon as the best location to carve Trump’s face, arguing that the natural orange hue of the stone will best capture his unique complexion.
“We really felt like the Grand Canyon would provide everything the President is looking for,” said Park Service Commissioner Will Jackson. “It will allow for a more realistic likeness than the light colored stone at Mount Rushmore while still being equally damaging to the environment and similarly disrespectful to local Native American populations.”
In addition to the Grand Canyon’s perfect match for the orange-ish color of Trump’s face, it also bears a striking resemblance to the deep hole that exists where his soul should be and to the echo chamber in which he currently lives.
Despite early concerns that Trump would balk at having his memorial anywhere other than Mount Rushmore, the President immediately expressed his enthusiasm for the Grand Canyon idea. “Don’t get me wrong, I have tremendous respect for the white presidents who have led our great nation, including those who are shown at Mount Rushmore,” said Trump. “However, I just can’t have my memorial surrounded by the something called the ‘Black Hills’.”
Trump also noted that the Grand Canyon’s location in Arizona will allow him to task Sheriff Joe Arpaio, firmly in Trump’s debt for receiving an unjustified and unethical presidential pardon, with the difficult job of protecting Trump’s giant stone face.
“I owe that man my life and would do literally anything to help him or his family,” said Arpaio, while sewing dresses for Ivanka Trump’s new clothing line. “I’ll even get way up inside the nostrils and trim any plants growing in there.”
The planned Grand Canyon Monument breaks from Teddy Roosevelt’s order declaring it a National Monument in 1908. In his declaration speech Roosevelt said, “Leave it as it is. You cannot improve on it. The ages have been at work on it, and man can only mar it.”