WASHINGTON, DC – Republicans are eager to implement a new “enhanced interrogation technique” at Guantanamo Bay that was just approved by the United Nations Commission on Human Rights: the forced wearing of homemade face masks.
CIA Director Gina Haspel says the idea first came from the organizers of recent Reopen America protests, who consistently described the wearing of a face mask as torture. “Whenever someone is talking about a new and interesting torture method, you can count on the CIA to be there, taking notes,” Haspel told the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.
The idea quickly caught on at the highest levels of the Trump administration, including Vice President Mike Pence. “Nothing—not waterboarding, or sleep deprivation or electrocution—is as bad as being forced to wear a face mask,” said Pence. “We all took turns being masked and, within minutes, I was willing to give up all of our classified documents and national security secrets.”
Even though international human rights groups were confused when the U.S. proposed a measure that would protect the health and wellbeing of prisoners who have been abused or ignored for years, they immediately approved the idea.
“We recognize that the Republicans’ intentions here are unfortunate, but their proposal technically exceeds Geneva Convention standards and even comports with public health best practices,” stated Amy Knudzen of Amnesty International. “It’s really a turning point when Republican leaders are now offering foreign prisoners better medical treatment than their own citizens in Florida, Georgia, and Texas.”