WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented move, the spectral form of Senator Dianne Feinstein has reportedly refused to vacate her Senate office, not only leaving staffers and fellow Senators utterly spooked but also making sure no “young whipper-snapper” gets her seat.
Just days after reports of her “retirement,” Feinstein’s ethereal figure was seen determinedly shuffling papers and making emphatic points to bewildered legislative aides. A Capitol janitor was the first to encounter the apparition. “I tried to vacuum, but she just floated there, lamenting filibuster reforms,” said the janitor.” I was like, ‘Lady, I just want to clean!'”
Word quickly spread that Feinstein’s ghost had been overheard murmuring, “If I couldn’t let younger candidates take my spot in life, why would the afterlife be any different?”
Senate leaders called an emergency séance, led by a renowned medium, Madame LaRue. However, attempts to communicate with the Feinstein phantom only intensified the spectral activity. Floating pens began drafting amendments to bills, and there were rumors of ghostly filibusters at unholy hours.
Senator Chris Van Hollen commented, “I always admired her tenacity, but this is next level dedication. She’s ensuring no fresh-faced newbie even thinks of replacing her.”
The Ghostly Affairs Committee, a little-known group specializing in spectral Senate issues, has been activated. Their mission? To negotiate with the Feinstein phantom and perhaps find a celestial subcommittee where she can serve indefinitely.
For now, Senators are adjusting to their age-defying, ghostly colleague. “Honestly,” sighed a weary aide, “I thought term limits might do the trick, but apparently we need ghost limits, too.”