White House Announces President Biden Having a “Bones Day”

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House released a particularly ambitious schedule of public events, congressional negotiations, and Cabinet meetings today after announcing that President Joe Biden remained standing after being woken up this morning, indicating that he’s having a “bones day.”

“This is a day for the President to treat himself,” said Jonathan Graziano, the inventor of the “bones day” concept, while addressing viewers in a narrated TikTok video. “The ice cream cone he wants? Add chocolate sprinkles. That Amtrak trip he’s planning? Upgrade to the Acela. That Build Back Better plan he deserves, but hasn’t gotten approved yet? Finally get that nailed down.”

Graziano and his 13 year-old pug, Noodle, shot to fame last week as millions of people started viewing their daily videos to see if Noodle would stand in the morning, indicating a “bones day” for treating yourself and productive accomplishments, or slump back to sleep, forecasting a “no bones day” for caution and self care. After weeks of congressional deadlock and a series of political setbacks, the White House hired Graziano to help determine the best daily agenda to maximize the 78 year-old president’s successes.

“Obviously, a bones day is a day for the President to celebrate,” said Graziano while walking Biden and Noodle in the Rose Garden. “No bones days? They’re not bad days. They’re just days where he needs to be kind to himself, wear his sweatpants, take a bubble bath, try not to fight with Republicans, and definitely don’t even talk to Kristen Sinema.”

In light of Saturday’s designation as a “bones day”, Biden will be meeting with congressional leaders to finalize details of his major infrastructure package, interviewing several progressive young candidates for federal judgeships, personally knocking on doors in Virginia on behalf of gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe, and buying himself several new pairs of aviator sunglasses.