RNC Announces Final 2020 Convention Schedule of Events and Speakers

The following list of events and speakers have been announced for the 2020 Republican National Convention, which will be held in a men’s locker room so everything said is perfectly fine.

Monday, August 24, 2020

9 a.m.
Ritual torture of Chinese bats with special guest Ozzy Osbourne.

10:30 a.m.
Melania Trump’s RNC Speech
(for those who missed Michelle Obama’s DNC speech)

11:30 a.m.
Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Texas)
“Grandma Wants to Die For Your Minimum Wage Job”

12:30 p.m.
Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, and Sheriff Arpaio:
“Pardon Me?”

1:30 p.m.
Mark and Patricia McCloskey
St. Louis’ Favorite NIMBY Couple demonstrates how to clean your AK-47 and remove pesky mustard stains from your clothes.

3:30 p.m.
Flat Earth Society
“Spreading Truth Around the Globe”

5:30 p.m.
Dr. Stella Immanuel
“How to Prevent Alien Abortion, Reptilian Overlords, and Demon Sperm using Hydroxychloroquine”

7:30 p.m.
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani
“How to lose friends and alienate people”

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

10:30 a.m.
The Pledge of Allegiance Sponsored by FedEx/DHS/UPS

11:00 a.m.
My Pillow, Inc. CEO Michael J. Lindell
“How I Sleep at Night After Peddling Miracle Cures to Suckers.”

12:30 p.m.
Dr. Ben Carson:
“All Lives Matter”

1:30 p.m.
The Michelin Tire Man

2:30 p.m.
“This Land is My Land”
Performed by the MAGA hat-wearing little shit who mocked a Native American

3:30 p.m.
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos
“Turning Our Children into the Docile Employees of Tomorrow.”

8:00 p.m.
“The Mailman” Karl Malone
“In-Person Voting is a Slam Dunk”

9:00 p.m.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION: “After-Life Republicans for Trump”
Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University, to hold a vigil to wake the spirits of Republicans in the After-Life to officially endorse Donald Trump.
Ghosts include: Herman Cain, Antonin Scalia, Charlton Heston, Ronald Reagan
, and more!

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

10:30 a.m.
Clint Eastwood’s Chair

11:30 a.m.
Karens for Trump
“Know Your Rights!”

1:00 p.m.
Dr. Jill Stein, 2016 Presidential Candidate
“You’re Welcome”

2:30 p.m.
Vice President Mike Pence (TBD – awaiting confirmation by “Mother”)
“Girls are Yucky”

3:30 p.m.
Laura Ingraham and MD Governor Larry Hogan:
“Falling in Line”

4:30 p.m.
Confederate Statues for Trump

7:30 p.m.
Ben Shapiro
Lecture on the Female Anatomy

8:30 p.m.
Official Delegate Count and Transfer of Power by The Lannister Family

Thursday, August 27, 2020

9:30 a.m.
Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin
“There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand”

10:30 a.m.
Briahna Joy Gray, National Press Secretary for Bernie Sanders

12:00 p.m.
Lunch Break
Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich Eating Contest

2:00 p.m.
Kim Jong-Un
“Why Democracy is Overrated”

3:00 p.m.
Ivanka Trump
“Live Tax Free Forever and Other Beauty Tips”

4:00 p.m.
President Donald J. Trump
The President formally accepts the nomination live from the 13th Hole of Mar-A-Lago

5:30 p.m.
Covid-19 (R-Fla.)

7:00 p.m.
Gov. Brian Kemp (R- Ga.)
“Literally Sick of Winning”

8:00 p.m.
RNC Chairman, Ronna “Not Romney” McDaniel
“Let Us Never Speak of 2012 Ever Again”