The following list of events and speakers have been announced for the 2020 Republican National Convention, which will be held in a men’s locker room so everything said is perfectly fine.
Monday, August 24, 2020
9 a.m.
OPENING CEREMONY
Ritual torture of Chinese bats with special guest Ozzy Osbourne.
10:30 a.m.
Melania Trump’s RNC Speech
(for those who missed Michelle Obama’s DNC speech)
11:30 a.m.
Gov. Greg Abbott (R-Texas)
“Grandma Wants to Die For Your Minimum Wage Job”
12:30 p.m.
Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, and Sheriff Arpaio:
“Pardon Me?”
1:30 p.m.
Mark and Patricia McCloskey
St. Louis’ Favorite NIMBY Couple demonstrates how to clean your AK-47 and remove pesky mustard stains from your clothes.
3:30 p.m.
Flat Earth Society
“Spreading Truth Around the Globe”
5:30 p.m.
Dr. Stella Immanuel
“How to Prevent Alien Abortion, Reptilian Overlords, and Demon Sperm using Hydroxychloroquine”
7:30 p.m.
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani
“How to lose friends and alienate people”
Tuesday, August 25, 2020
10:30 a.m.
The Pledge of Allegiance Sponsored by FedEx/DHS/UPS
11:00 a.m.
My Pillow, Inc. CEO Michael J. Lindell
“How I Sleep at Night After Peddling Miracle Cures to Suckers.”
12:30 p.m.
Dr. Ben Carson:
“All Lives Matter”
1:30 p.m.
The Michelin Tire Man
2:30 p.m.
“This Land is My Land”
Performed by the MAGA hat-wearing little shit who mocked a Native American
3:30 p.m.
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos
“Turning Our Children into the Docile Employees of Tomorrow.”
8:00 p.m.
“The Mailman” Karl Malone
“In-Person Voting is a Slam Dunk”
9:00 p.m.
SPECIAL PRESENTATION: “After-Life Republicans for Trump”
Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University, to hold a vigil to wake the spirits of Republicans in the After-Life to officially endorse Donald Trump.
Ghosts include: Herman Cain, Antonin Scalia, Charlton Heston, Ronald Reagan, and more!
Wednesday, August 26, 2020
10:30 a.m.
Clint Eastwood’s Chair
11:30 a.m.
Karens for Trump
“Know Your Rights!”
1:00 p.m.
Dr. Jill Stein, 2016 Presidential Candidate
“You’re Welcome”
2:30 p.m.
Vice President Mike Pence (TBD – awaiting confirmation by “Mother”)
“Girls are Yucky”
3:30 p.m.
Laura Ingraham and MD Governor Larry Hogan:
“Falling in Line”
4:30 p.m.
Confederate Statues for Trump
7:30 p.m.
Ben Shapiro
Lecture on the Female Anatomy
8:30 p.m.
Official Delegate Count and Transfer of Power by The Lannister Family
Thursday, August 27, 2020
9:30 a.m.
Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin
“There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand”
10:30 a.m.
Briahna Joy Gray, National Press Secretary for Bernie Sanders
12:00 p.m.
Lunch Break
Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich Eating Contest
2:00 p.m.
Kim Jong-Un
“Why Democracy is Overrated”
3:00 p.m.
Ivanka Trump
“Live Tax Free Forever and Other Beauty Tips”
4:00 p.m.
President Donald J. Trump
The President formally accepts the nomination live from the 13th Hole of Mar-A-Lago
5:30 p.m.
Covid-19 (R-Fla.)
7:00 p.m.
Gov. Brian Kemp (R- Ga.)
“Literally Sick of Winning”
8:00 p.m.
RNC Chairman, Ronna “Not Romney” McDaniel
“Let Us Never Speak of 2012 Ever Again”
