PALM BEACH, FL – The Trump 2024 Campaign has announced the release of a brand new “King Trump Version” of the Bible, complete with a never-before-seen chapter detailing the unjust trial of the former president and his sentencing to crucifixion by New York Judge Juan “Pontius Pilate” Merchan.
“For Trump so loved America, that he gave $130,000 to help a porn star turn her life around, but also didn’t know anything about where the money came from,” reads an excerpt from Trump 3:16. “Let he who has not paid off a sex worker and arranged for a tabloid to catch and kill her story cast the first stone.”
The new 34-page chapter, tentatively titled “The Book of WOKE,” chronicles Trump’s harrowing journey from Trump Tower to Golgotha—or as it’s now called, Mar-a-Lago. It is said to be “the most truthful part of the Bible,” according to sources close to the former president. In a statement, Trump explained, “No one has been more persecuted than me, believe me. Not even Jesus. And everyone’s saying it.”
Michael Cohen, Trump’s former personal lawyer, has been cast in the role of Judas. “He betrayed me, folks,” Trump lamented. “For a few pieces of silver—or in his case, a book deal and a Netflix special. Very sad.”
Adding to the biblical drama, Rudy Giuliani volunteers to carry Trump’s cross. “I’ve always been willing to carry His burdens,” Giuliani declares in the chapter while hauling a golden capital T-shaped cross across the plaza with hair-dyed sweat dripping down the side of his anguished face. “And I can only assume I’m doing this pro bono.”
As Trump makes his journey towards the 18th hole of the golf course near the Mar-a-Lago Club, which he has dubbed “The Promised Land,” Eric Trump has been assigned the important task of selling tickets for the faithful to wash his father’s feet. “For a small fee, you can be part of history,” Eric announced. “The Gold Package includes a foot washing and a selfie with Dad while carrying his gold-plated cross from the fairway, through the rough, and into the bunker. It’s just like being our savior’s caddy!”
Critics have been quick to point out the numerous inaccuracies and blasphemous elements in the new chapter, but the campaign remains unfazed. “Look, the Bible needed an update. It’s been, what, 2,000 years? We’re just modernizing it,” Trump campaign spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “Plus, these new Bibles are gonna be huge. Bigger than any book, ever.”
In a final twist, the chapter promises a dramatic resurrection scene at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump will emerge from a golden tomb after three days, ready to continue his battle against the “Deep State” and anyone who questions his divine right to the presidency.
As the Trump campaign prepares for the official release of the new Bible, supporters can pre-order their copies for only $300, complete with a limited-edition cover featuring Trump ascending to heaven in a MAGA hat, surrounded by adoring angels who look suspiciously like Ivanka.
