TAKOMA PARK, MD – The shape of Takoma Park’s border was purposely master planned as a mean-spirited middle finger gesture, say local historians, in a clear message to surrounding areas to go fuck themselves.
“Takoma Park has always thought of themselves as better than everyone else, and they wanted to make that message very clear,” said historian Donna Loman. “Building it into the very layout of the city was the perfect way to remind those bums in Forest Glen that they are, and will always be, inherently inferior.”
Creating the city’s shape wasn’t easy. When B.F. Gilbert founded Takoma Park in 1883, he realized the city’s higher altitude provided the perfect opportunity to “flip the bird” at DC residents and set about assembling the necessary parcels. In 1889, he purchased the “middle finger” section along Sligo Creek and immediately closed the creek on weekends just to piss off cut-through horse and buggy traffic. Unfortunately, Gilbert died before his dream was completed, but in 1995 the east portion of the city, symbolizing the thumb, was finally acquired from Prince George’s County.
“Gilbert really understood the concept that haters are gonna hate,” said historian Janice Peterson. “That legacy of telling everyone around us to ‘fuck off’ has stuck with Takoma Park over the years, from the 60’s, when they tried to build a giant freeway through our city, to today as they try to build retail structures on top of our endangered parking lots.”
While some feel offended by the vulgar shape, many embrace it. “Seeing this now makes me even more proud to live in Takoma Park,” said 43-year resident Gus Oppenheimer. “I always felt this city demonstrates love, kindness, and respect for everyone regardless of their views, but also, ‘fuck you’ to anyone who disagrees.”