ANNAPOLIS, MD – Facing a possible return to remote learning with the rise of COVID cases in the state, Governor Larry Hogan vowed to protect in-person learning by making Maryland public schools move all classes to local bars.
“We all know that COVID can’t be spread where alcohol is purchased, so this makes perfect sense,” said Hogan, who definitely didn’t contract COVID from a bar. “Also, parents can make sure their children are still getting a quality education because they’ll be able to watch them from the next booth over while having an ice cold Natty Boh.”
Hogan, obviously considering a presidential run in 2024, is concerned that stricter COVID protocols could make it difficult to win the Republican nomination. By moving classrooms to local bars, he says it’s a win-win for keeping businesses open and appeasing parents who demand in-person learning.
“There are so many benefits to moving classrooms to these fine establishments,” said Hogan. “Students can now order whatever they want on the children’s menu, and, while teachers will be expected to pick up a few extra shifts, at least they’ll get paid a subminimum wage plus tips for going above and beyond their normal duties.”
When asked about the safety concerns of children taking classes in less regulated environments, Hogan defended his decision.
“Look, obviously moving kids into bars poses some safety risks to the children, but we’ve determined it’s the right move,” said Hogan. “People may get drunk and rowdy, and the children will be exposed to some bad language, but at least they’ll be in a place where they aren’t relying on me to fix the air conditioning system.”