TAKOMA PARK, MD – After a weeks of late night fireworks, city officials have begun distributing Thunder Shirts to calm residents frightened by the resulting explosive debates on Facebook.
“Facebook moderators know that having members with anxiety is stressful, and trying to find remedies to calm nerves can be exhausting,” said the Mayor. “Thunder Shirts have been proven to reduce anxiety levels in dogs, and there’s no reason they wouldn’t also work well for Takoma Park residents.”
The concept behind the Thunder Shirt is to replicate a person’s feeling of safety and security when held tightly during a time of fear or angst. The jackets wrap firmly around the chest, creating pressure and warmth which relates to a wild dog’s instinct to be part of a pack, or a person’s need for more “likes” on their Facebook posts.
“For many years, my 55-year-old Golden Librarian suffered through Christmas and Fourth of July fireworks,” said resident Jim Fordham. “But this year, we wrestled her into a Thunder Shirt and used packing tape to create mild pressure. We were amazed – she calmed almost instantly and laid down for the duration of the Facebook debate!”
Even though the shirts have been proven to work, experts also recommend other precautions to ensure a more peaceful holiday season for Takoma Park residents, including purchasing noise canceling headphones, taking Xanax pills, or moving to Potomac.
“We don’t expect to ever stop illegal fireworks,” said the Mayor. “But hopefully we can stop people from staying up all night trying to convince everyone that they welcome cultural diversity but prefer that other people’s cultural traditions remain where they came from.”