Republicans Force Schools to Adopt ‘Critical Erase Theory’

Annoyed by the inconveniently awkward factual record of racist behavior by white Americans throughout history, Republican Party leaders are forcing schools to adopt an educational model known as Critical Erase Theory (CET), which calls for banning books and whitewashing every historical moment involving minorities and underrepresented groups to avoid that awkwardness.

“People need to be made uncomfortable with the fact that white people are uncomfortable learning about Black history,” said Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin. “I’d recite an out of context quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. to confirm this, but we can no longer verify that he ever existed.”

The GOP’s proposed solution, CET, is based on the idea that Black history makes fragile white people uncomfortable, and, therefore, erasing all references to Black people enduring racism in America will allow white people to spend less time feeling discomfort and more time appropriating Black culture by saying things like “for shizzle.” CET also includes banning every book that makes white people look bad, including “To Kill a Mockingbird,” “The Color Purple,” and “Look at This Photograph: the Biography of Nickelback.”

“No longer will white people have to endure being fearful or scared when learning about America’s past,” said Senator Josh Hawley (R-Mo). “I, for one, am sick and tired of having to cross the street to avoid walking past the National Museum of African American History and Culture. Our children shouldn’t have too, either.”

After the book ban is implemented, Republican lawmakers will turn their focus to teaching children Critical Reverse Racism Theory (CRRT), which argues that discrimination against white people has created long term disadvantages in their abilities to dance, play basketball, and appropriately season their food.