Some call it the Speakeasy of Takoma.
Kilmarock, located just outside the city limits to the northeast, has become a place for Takoma Park residents to escape the harsh laws and enjoy a taste of freedom.
Even though Kilmarock residents live outside of Takoma Park, they still share the same zip code and are close enough to feel like they are part of the community. However, living in Kilmarock carries many advantages, like lower taxes and less regulations.
“We’re like Pleasure Island from the movie, Pinocchio,” explained Matt Gregory. “We can do basically whatever we want and the city can’t stop us.”
That sense of lawlessness is what draws many Takoma Park residents to this fun and dangerous neighborhood. “It’s so exhilarating!” Takoma Park resident, Kathleen Hayward said. “I love being able to party all night without a lame noise ordinance, while drinking alcoholic beverages with plastic straws.”
Some Kilmarock residents, like Mark Kline, have turned their properties into small businesses where people can go to enjoy activities banned in Takoma Park, such as cutting down trees. “You wouldn’t believe how much money I charge for Trophy Cutting,” stated Kline. “Some guy paid me 10,000 dollars just to chop down trees on my property and take a picture of him standing over the stump wielding an axe.”
Kilmarock is also known as a place where Takoma Park residents can avoid the shame of being an Amazon customer, by having their packages delivered to anonymous Kilmarock addresses. “No longer do I have to feel shamed for having an Amazon package delivered to my front door,” Hayward adds. “It’s like an offshore Prime account.”
As much as Takoma Park parents love to frequent Kilmarock to have fun, they do worry about the environment it creates for children. Often Kilmarock kids are roaming the streets without parental supervision, riding bikes with no shoes, and eating snacks with high fructose corn syrup. Some even operate their own lemonade stands without permits. “I just feel bad for the children,” Takoma Park resident Jane Dyer said. “I see them walking outside, often with no sunscreen, and without a coat on a 65 degree day. I hear they even have a dangerous batting cage!”
Living in Kilmarock is a different way of life. The residents enjoy lower property values and paying less taxes, about a third less than Takoma Park residents. However, lower taxes mean less government services. Home schooling remains the only way to educate the children of Kilmarock, and its residents have to burn their trash. The streets never get plowed during snow storms, and people are often left to die in the streets from lack of organic food to eat. On top of that, fossil fuels get burned without any regulations.
“Oh the smells!” Cried Regina Sheets, Takoma Park resident of Ward 6, bordering the Kilmarock neighborhood. “You look up over that area and it just a stinky, gray cloud of soot. When the wind blows west, we can barely breathe.”
Kilmarock residents didn’t seem to mind it. “It’s the smell of freedom!” Exclaimed Richard Aberdeen. “We all drive Hummers, run gas leaf blowers, and bathe in Round-Up. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”