Trump Awards Purple Heart to Broken Macy’s Storefront Window

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Standing in front of Macy’s flagship department store on West 34th Street, President Donald Trump honored the brave sacrifice of a vandalized storefront window by bestowing a Purple Heart on the broken glass.

“A great injustice has been done to these courageous windows, who were simply doing their jobs in full compliance with building codes,” said Trump as a military trumpeter played Taps. “It is a sad day in America when we treat these windows almost as bad as I’ve been treated, which—as you know—is way worse than literally anyone else in history has ever before been treated.”

Like Macy’s, a number of stores and other buildings sustained property damage this week as protestors against police brutality encountered violent resistance from those same police departments. While protestors hit by rubber bullets and billy clubs were being treated by volunteer medics, the White House announced its plan to honor every broken window as “a brave soldier against terrorism” and to educate people about the “Thin Glass Line,” an evocation of the crucial role played by store windows in protecting society from chaos.

“Today, we will remember these horrific acts against these very fine glass panes and seek justice to make sure this never happens again. #AllLitesMatter!!” the President tweeted.

Trump also promised to bury the broken glass shards in Arlington National Cemetery, where future presidents can visit and mourn, and to designate June 2 as a “National Day of Pane,” on which all active duty law enforcement and military officers will receive a 35% discount on the Donald J. Trump Collection only at Macy’s.