Despite warnings from new White House physician Stella Immanuel that reptilian overlords and aliens are populating the US, Republicans reiterated their opposition to all forms of abortion, even in cases where a woman becomes pregnant by demon sperm.
“If a woman doesn’t want to get pregnant with demon sperm, then she just shouldn’t be having sex with witches and demons in dreamworld in the first place,” said Rep. Todd Harris (R-FL). “I would rather the world be overrun by alien devil babies intent on the destruction of humanity than recognize and respect the sexual autonomy of a single human woman.”
After Immanuel followed up her demon baby warnings with a recommendation to take hydroxychloroquine pills to prevent these pregnancies, many Republican-led states were quick to classify the drug as an abortion pill and began working on legislation making it impossible for women to obtain.
“A woman shouldn’t need an abortion pill anyway,” stated Republican Todd Akin. “If the dreamworld alien sex was legitimate, the human female body has a way of shutting that down.”
Other states will still allow legal demon abortion but have instead passed numerous restrictions and regulations to make it nearly impossible to access the procedure. In South Carolina, for example, a woman can’t get an alien abortion without first receiving signed permission from the reptilian overlord, receiving anti-abortion counseling from a pro-alien religious advocacy group, and then locating a Planned Parenthood with alien DNA accreditation and hospital admitting privileges at the facility where “Alien Autopsy” was filmed.
National Republican leaders support all of these restrictions. “As Christians, we must make sure all unborn fetuses are carried to term regardless of their intergalactic background because we believe that all lives matter,” said Senator and half-reptile Ted Cruz (R-TX). “However, once the demon is spawned, we can and will deny it and its mother all basic necessities for survival.”
[Editor’s Note: While the Torch is a satirical news site, some things are beyond parody. Stella Immanuel’s views seem, in medical terms, “dangerously unhinged,” but are nonetheless represented accurately in the above article. Please listen to other, better doctors so we never have to write something this bizarre and childish ever again.]