Anti-vaxxers rejoiced Monday as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) granted full approval to Pfizer’s COVID vaccine, opening the door for them to drum up new bizarre conspiracies and convenient excuses for refusing vaccination.
“This is great news that should result in a boost of people rushing to social media to post about the government purposely trying to control our minds,” said Senator Rand Paul, who has natural immunity to facts. “Don’t you think it’s strange that after we demanded full approval before injecting ourselves with unknown chemicals, they fully approved it months later after a rigorous and scientific review process? I don’t know about you, but that sounds awfully convenient to me.”
After months of hearing vaccine skeptics blame the lack of a full FDA approval for not getting vaccinated, health experts thought the problem would now be solved. But like many experts, they stupidly assumed people are rational, intelligent beings who wouldn’t even think to take a livestock dewormer to prevent COVID.
“Just this morning, I read about a bunch of new side effects from the vaccine on the internet,” said Dorothy Lyons, wearing a “Question Everything” t-shirt. “It’s a good thing my two minute Google search dug up some important information that doctors and medical experts worldwide failed to find themselves. Morons.”
As the goalposts continue to be moved by vaccine skeptics and Republican leaders, Fox News polled their viewers to find out which new excuse they prefer to unite around. The poll options were:
A. Waiting for long form FDA approval
B. Testing out natural antibodies found in Chick-Fil-A sauce
C. Awaiting instructions from Ron DeSantis (but I’m definitely not sheeple)
D. Did you hear how Biden screwed up Afghanistan?
