Republicans Upset Stimulus Payments Not Being Trickled Down to Them

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WASHINGTON, DC – After President Joe Biden signed the American Rescue Plan to provide financial assistance directly to people impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic, Republican voters were angry that stimulus checks weren’t first sent to the wealthiest Americans and then trickled down to them.

“Everyone knows that the best way to boost the economy is to get cash in people’s pockets,” said Jennifer McGrath, 48. “And the fastest way to do that is to give all the money to a handful of billionaires, who then invest in stocks, which pays hedge fund managers, who then buy mansions, which require maintenance, which means they’ll have to hire a guy to mow the lawn, and then that guy can pay off one week of the six months of back rent he owes. It’s just that simple.”

A large component of the bill involves giving middle class and poor Americans a $1,400 check to supplement the $600 check already sent out during the final months of President Trump’s term. The $2,000 amount will not go to high income earners, which immediately worried Republican voters.

“How will our economy survive if rich people stop receiving government assistance?” asked Jimmy Strickland. “If given too much money, poor people will become lazy. However, if we give too much money to the rich people, they’ll work extra hard to make sure that poor people not only aren’t lazy, but that they never get a second of rest or relaxation again.”

While most Republicans were grateful for receiving financial assistance, some felt it wasn’t right to accept a handout.

“I was always taught that it’s better to teach a man to fish than to simply give him a fish,” said Hank Stafford. “After I learned to fish, I got a job fishing for a giant corporation, who decided to pay me so little that I have to eat frozen fishsticks and canned tuna to make ends meet. And that’s how it should be.”