American Express Unveils Exclusive COVID-19 ‘Onyx Card’ For Vaccinated People to Show Off to Friends

To supplement its prestigious Black credit card, American Express has debuted the most exclusive vaccination record card available only to those who feel the need to flaunt their special status over everyone else – the limited edition AmEx Onyx card.

“A lot of people are showing off their standard-issue CDC card on Facebook after getting vaccinated, but, for those who really want to really make their friends jealous, the AmEx Onyx card is for you,” said American Express CEO Stephen Squeri. “It’s specifically reserved for exclusive individuals, like those who skipped the line to receive their vaccination even as firefighters, cancer patients or the elderly are still struggling to make an appointment.”

Offering around-the-clock service tailored to each member’s specific needs, the Onyx card concierge provides a complete lifestyle management tool to ensure cardholders enjoy exceptional service and exclusive perks, such as the loving hug of a grandparent without the mutual risk of contracting a deadly disease. Available 24/7, Onyx card concierge can also assist with off-limits travel bookings, access to indoor dining at restaurants regardless of local health restrictions, and the ability to cough in public without feeling shamed – all with no hidden fees.

“Nothing says, ‘I know the signs says to stay 6 feet apart, but I’m going to close-talk anyway,’ like the Amex Onyx card,” added Squeri. “There’s no need to flip out on a minimum wage Target employee for trying to force you to wear a mask, just pull out your Onyx card and show them you don’t have to follow rules anymore.”

Each Amex Onyx card is designed with a unique black-PVD-coated stainless steel front and carbon back, combining advanced technology and design principles to create durability and distinction. Every detail of the card reflects excellence and represents the exclusivity of membership, and it will make your callous, social media posts seem even more like a slap in the face to everyone else still struggling to pre-register for the alert system for potential future appointment availability.

The card also bears the Pfizer logo to show everyone you received the more prestigious two-dose vaccine, and not the inferior Johnson & Johnson single-dose version, even though both are FDA approved, CDC recommended, and are basically the same – but you’ll still act like you got the better one.