TPSS Co-Op Membership Now Includes Extra Votes in Local Election
Photo Credit - Sam Kittner TAKOMA PARK, MD - Members of the TPSS grocery co-op will be excited to learn that their 2020 membership includes a special new benefit: extra votes...
Amazon to Ship Takoma Park Orders in Etsy Boxes, Allowing Residents to Secretly Shop on Prime Day
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Residents can breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jeff Bezos has just announced that all Amazon Prime Day orders shipped to Takoma Park will be...
Report: City Construction Projects Way Over Budget Due to Paying All These Corporate Shills
TAKOMA PARK, MD - A recent audit conducted by a local freelancer determined that Takoma Park could save millions on municipal projects if wasteful payments weren't being made to all...
Takoma Park Residents Demand Financial Bailout For Buying Homes That Unfairly Tripled in Value
TAKOMA PARK, MD - After suffering through a decade of improved economic development, expanded city amenities, and increased property values, homeowners are threatening to leave Takoma Park unless they receive...
Report: Racism Can’t Happen in Local Organic Grocery Stores Because They Don’t Sell Aunt Jemima Syrup
Photo Credit - Anne Shvets/Pexels After an accusation that a local organic grocery store in a progressive city mistreated minority employees, a report by its loyal, white patrons concluded that...
To Boost Economy, Montgomery County Prepares for Phase 3 of Reopening: ‘Ludicrous Speed’
ROCKVILLE, MD - As Montgomery County sets to enter Phase 2 of reopening businesses this Friday, County Executive Marc Elrich is already looking ahead by preparing the county for Phase...
Hallmark Announces New Line of Cards for Racists to Apologize
As professional athletes, celebrities, and business owners across the nation have finally felt the need to formally apologize for "insensitive" statements about black people, Hallmark has seized the opportunity with...
Gov. Hogan Reclassifies Ocean City As a Place of Worship
OCEAN CITY, MD - After President Donald Trump demanded that churches be allowed to reopen, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan immediately reclassified Ocean City as a place of worship just in...
N95 Underwear Now Required in Public To Avoid Fart-Based Transmission of Covid
WASHINGTON, DC - After a thorough explanation by Dr. Sanjay Gupta of the transmission of novel Coronavirus through flatulence, N95 Underwear is now required to be worn as a condition...
Takoma Park Designates Listserv Curb Alerts as ‘Essential Business’
Photo Credit - Greg Reese/Pixabay TAKOMA PARK - In an effort to prop up Takoma Park's economy during the Coronavirus shutdown, the City Council has designated curb alerts announced on...
Takoma Park Projects Huge Budget Surplus From Selling Amway Products
TAKOMA PARK, MD - The Takoma Park City Council proudly announced a huge budget surplus projected for fiscal years 2021 and beyond thanks to a new initiative to begin selling...
Shoppers Camp Outside Stores in Anticipation of New Flavored Cleaning Products
FLORIDA, OF COURSE - Walmart parking lots are looking more like campgrounds as shoppers construct tents to prepare for a long wait to be the first to purchase new flavored...