TAKOMA PARK, MD – In move aimed at maintaining the city’s progressive values while avoiding another dreaded property tax hike, Takoma Park officials announced today that they have officially implemented a business tax on the city’s most lucrative economic engine: the annual Children’s Business Fair.
“The Children’s Business Fair accounts for 15% of the city’s entire GDP,” said longtime homeowner Constance Komplanor, sipping a $14 bubble tea she got from a second grader named Jasper. “It’s about time these kid corporations pay their fair share. We’re tired of subsidizing lemonade empires while homeowners suffer.”
The decision comes amid heated budget negotiations, during which several council members floated options like taxing rain barrels, issuing leaf pile permits, and launching a city-branded cryptocurrency (“Ro$coin”). But ultimately, officials agreed that taxing children’s makeshift pop-up shops was the least politically risky.
Under the new policy, all participants in the fair will be required to register their businesses with the city, submit quarterly earnings reports, and pay a flat 18.75% tax on all revenue earned from handmade bracelets, duct tape wallets, and suspiciously sticky baked goods.
“We’re not anti-entrepreneurship,” said a city spokesperson. “We’re just saying if your 8-year-old is pulling in $400 a day selling gluten-free dog treats, she can kick in a few bucks for infrastructure projects – like rebuilding the Piney Branch Elementary School pool.”
Parents expressed mixed reactions. Some called the move a teaching opportunity. “It’s great,” said one mom. “Now little Ezra gets to learn about municipal compliance, tax avoidance strategies, and how to write off a glitter glue purchase as a business expense.”
The children were less enthused. “My business is barely breaking even,” said Jimmy Gleason wearing a “No Taxation Without Representation” hat. “Between licensing fees, the compost surcharge, and now taxes, I’m considering outsourcing my slime production to Silver Spring.”
City officials maintain the tax is a win-win for everyone. “Children are the future,” said City Manager Robert DiSpirito. “In fact, the revenue is so great, we’re now reversing our anti-child labor laws. Let’s just call it a public-preteen partnership.”
While adult taxpayers lauded the new 18.75% “Youth Enterprise Responsibility Fee,” several young entrepreneurs responded by forming the lobbying group “Sligo National Association of Capitalist Kids,” or SNACK PAC, where business fair profits could be funneled into. Members of the Super PAC could be heard chanting, “No taxation without representation!” before being informed that the city council does not, in fact, allow 8-year-olds to vote.
Discover more from The Takoma Torch
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
