Local Activists Unveil Ambitious Plan to Replace All Sod Lawns With Moral High Ground

TAKOMA PARK, MD – What began as a routine landscaping decision has erupted into full-scale turf warfare after Takoma Park’s self-styled “Sod Justice Warriors” (SJWs) launched a citywide campaign to eradicate sod in all forms, branding it an “ecological hate crime with roots in colonial oppression and suburban tyranny.”

The controversy ignited after the City installed traditional sod in front of its new public library – a move that local activist Susan Wildflower called “an unconscionable monoculture assault on our community’s eco-conscious values.”

“I don’t care if it’s native, non-native, historically accurate, or space-age engineered – sod is canceled,” Wildflower posted to the Takoma Park Neighborhood Facebook group, in between sharing 19 Change.org petitions to ban Kentucky bluegrass seed sales. “Every square foot of sod is a square foot of oppression. This is what settler landscaping looks like.”

The Sod Justice Warriors have now called for sod removals across the region and beyond, including all public parks, sports fields, schoolyards, the National Mall, and “anywhere else this chlorophyll carpet of colonialism still lingers.”

“It’s not just grass – it’s grass hegemony,” warned SJW spokesperson Meadow Sunbeam during an emergency Eco-Justice Alliance Zoom meeting. “From your neighbor’s lawn to Lee Jordan Field, we’re dismantling turf supremacy, one blade at a time.”

Proposed alternatives for public ground cover include moss gardens, creeping thyme, a black asphalt parking lot, and “just a tasteful layer of ethically sourced mulch as Mother Earth intended.”

The movement even took aim at Netflix’s upcoming reboot of Little House on the Prairie, condemning its depiction of sod houses as “romanticized turf trauma.” However, in a rare moment of unity, Sunbeam sheepishly admitted, “Look, if they cast someone half as hot as Michael Landon as Pa, we’ll probably still hate-watch it.”