TAKOMA PARK, MD – Excited to emerge from their underground nests, Brood X cicadas were disappointed to discover city residents were still fighting with each other over the same trivial issues that were being debated during their last visit 17 years ago.
“I really sympathize with the cicadas’ frustration about our continuing uncivil discourse on almost every issue we face in this city, no matter how big or small,” said the City Manager. “After dealing with all of the ridiculous drama over new sidewalks, parking availability and bike lanes, I wish I had been the one living in a hole for the past 17 years.”
The last time the Brood X cicadas visited, Takoma Park seemed to be on the verge of bold new actions to address issues such as affordable housing, sustainability, and racial equity. However, upon their return this year, the peculiar insects found no new housing developments, still no progress on the parking lot near the co-op, and even more white people complaining about their “first world” problems.
“I still remember how loud it was the last time the cicadas came to Takoma Park in 2004,” said the Mayor. “The high-pitched noise was so loud and obnoxious that it drowned out the poor cicadas, making it difficult for them to find their mate. This year will probably be even worse.”
The Mayor said she retains hope that the return of the cicadas will remind residents that life is too short to obsess over the minute intricacies of municipal issues. “We should all take a step back and admire how a cicada truly lives its short lifespan above ground to the fullest. If Takoma Park residents were told they only had 2-4 weeks to live, I really wonder if they would spend that time having as much sex as possible, or personally auditing the city’s finances.”
Despite the Mayor’s praise for their embrace of life, however, the most recent batch of cicadas are indicating that they’ve started to feel differently. Disappointed members of Brood X have begun throwing themselves into the paths of nearby birds, preferring the sweet release of death to the burden of living through yet another round of complaints about fireworks after midnight.