Exclamation Point Endorses Kate Stewart for Mayor
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In a shocking turn of events, the well known Exclamation Point on mayoral candidate Roger Schlegel's logo has decided to jump ship and endorse incumbent Kate...
Amazon to Ship Takoma Park Orders in Etsy Boxes, Allowing Residents to Secretly Shop on Prime Day
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Residents can breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jeff Bezos has just announced that all Amazon Prime Day orders shipped to Takoma Park will be...
The Official 2020 Takoma Torch Candidate Questionnaire
Since every single relevant and irrelevant group in Takoma Park feels the need to bombard candidates running for local elections with lengthy lists of questions, we thought...why not us, too?...
Report: City Construction Projects Way Over Budget Due to Paying All These Corporate Shills
TAKOMA PARK, MD - A recent audit conducted by a local freelancer determined that Takoma Park could save millions on municipal projects if wasteful payments weren't being made to all...
Flower Avenue Road Construction Finally Complete, Ready To Be Torn Up Again
TAKOMA PARK, MD - As more than a decade of nonstop road construction on Flower Avenue has finally come to an end, residents are eagerly anticipating the commencement of a...
Takoma Park Residents Demand Financial Bailout For Buying Homes That Unfairly Tripled in Value
TAKOMA PARK, MD - After suffering through a decade of improved economic development, expanded city amenities, and increased property values, homeowners are threatening to leave Takoma Park unless they receive...
Takoma Torch Interview with Mayor Kate Stewart
Takoma Park Mayor Kate Stewart discusses her outlook for the city and her 2020 re-election campaign, while also revealing some shocking personal secrets in this exclusive one-on-one interview with the...
Public School System Brings Back ‘Clippy’ to Help Parents Navigate Online Classroom Portal
Faced with a disastrous roll-out of online education for the fall semester, public school systems nationwide resurrected the peppy virtual assistant “Clippy” to assist students and parents alike with their...
‘Azaleagate’ Conspiracy Backfires, Proves Takoma Park Government is Annoyingly Uber-Transparent
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Acting on a tip from a famous local whistleblower, a group of long-time residents set out to prove corruption among city officials in what they call...
Takoma Junction Parking Lot Announces Candidacy for Mayor
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In a shocking turn of events, the Takoma Junction parking lot has entered the 2020 Mayoral race, marking the first time a land mass has run...
Whiny, Lazy Teachers Ordered to Finish Construction of Purple Line
SILVER SPRING, MD - After years of failing to raise everyone else’s kids, teach them proper manners, save them from active shooters, and protect them from Coronavirus, teachers were ordered...
Governor Larry Hogan Creates New Public School Just for Stephen Austin’s Kids
Photo Credit: Joe Andrucyk ANNAPOLIS, MD - After rolling over in submission when Laura Ingraham and other prominent conservative commentators questioned his Republican credentials over the question of opening private...