Takoma Junction Parking Lot Announces Candidacy for Mayor
TAKOMA PARK, MD - In a shocking turn of events, the Takoma Junction parking lot has entered the 2020 Mayoral race, marking the first time a land mass has run...
Whiny, Lazy Teachers Ordered to Finish Construction of Purple Line
SILVER SPRING, MD - After years of failing to raise everyone else’s kids, teach them proper manners, save them from active shooters, and protect them from Coronavirus, teachers were ordered...
Governor Larry Hogan Creates New Public School Just for Stephen Austin’s Kids
Photo Credit: Joe Andrucyk ANNAPOLIS, MD - After rolling over in submission when Laura Ingraham and other prominent conservative commentators questioned his Republican credentials over the question of opening private...
City Requires Yard Signs to Be Biodegradable, Decompose on Day After Election
TAKOMA PARK, MD - With less than 100 days to go until the election and political signs already littering the streets, the city council voted 6 to 1 in favor...
Takoma Park Institutes ‘Scream Inside Your Heart’ Rule for All City Council Meetings
Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels TAKOMA PARK, MD – Inspired by Japan's new amusement park regulation meant to prevent the spread of Coronavirus by prohibiting yelling on roller coasters, Takoma Park...
Report: Racism Can’t Happen in Local Organic Grocery Stores Because They Don’t Sell Aunt Jemima Syrup
Photo Credit - Anne Shvets/Pexels After an accusation that a local organic grocery store in a progressive city mistreated minority employees, a report by its loyal, white patrons concluded that...
Republicans Agree to Allow Statehood for Northwest DC Only
WASHINGTON, DC - After an intense battle over representation for DC's 700,000 residents, Republicans finally assented to DC statehood, but only for the city’s northwest quadrant. "It's an historic day...
City Unleashes Late Night Fireworks in All Out War Against Harmful 5G Rays
TAKOMA PARK, DC - A thorough investigation into the constant barrage of late night fireworks over the last few weeks has concluded that the pyrotechnics were deployed on the direct...
Takoma Park to Construct NASCAR Race Track
TAKOMA PARK, MD - Shortly after NASCAR decided to ban the Confederate flag at its events, Takoma Park city council members moved to capitalize on stock car racing’s new “woke”...
White People Exhausted After Five Straight Days of Opposing Racism
TAKOMA PARK, MD - After almost a whole week of opposing racism by sharing inspirational quotes from historic black leaders on Facebook, white people can't wait until things return to...
Takoma Park Unveils Campaign to Take Progressive Title from Berkeley, California
After years of bearing the unofficial moniker “Berkeley of the East”, the city of Takoma Park this week launched a strategic campaign to improve its national brand and seize the...
Takoma Park Designates Listserv Curb Alerts as ‘Essential Business’
Photo Credit - Greg Reese/Pixabay TAKOMA PARK - In an effort to prop up Takoma Park's economy during the Coronavirus shutdown, the City Council has designated curb alerts announced on...