MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD – Will Jawando has decided not to debate Republican nominee for County Executive, Esther Wells, leaving her frustrated after spending months preparing carefully crafted non-answers.
“She’s clearly upset,” confirmed her debate coach. “Not regular upset. Rehearsed upset. She practiced facial expressions of concern and anger that voters will now never see.”
According to sources familiar with the preparation, Wells spent the summer in a rented conference room off Rockville Pike, drilling responses to difficult questions about LGBTQ students, school closures, taxes, development and county spending without once becoming trapped into stating an actual position.
“She was incredible,” said her debate coach. “You could ask her whether she supports something, and five minutes later you’d know her thoughts on parental involvement, government accountability, and the history of White’s Ferry. But you still wouldn’t know whether she supports it. You can’t teach that.”
Wells reportedly developed a sophisticated routing system, printed on laminated cards.
“If someone asks about housing, talk about traffic,” her coach explained. “If they ask about taxes, talk about waste. If they ask about abortion, talk about the economy. If they ask about LGBTQ students, mention how MCPS should have kept schools open during Covid. Then blame Obama and Biden.”
With Jawando declining to debate, Wells may never get to showcase her skills. She is reportedly considering debating an empty chair instead.
“The chair will be a very tough opponent,” the coach admitted. “It has no record to defend. Frankly, it’s polling better.”
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