TAKOMA PARK, MD – Local political action group Community Vision Takoma (CVT) has been recommended LASIK surgery to correct their extreme nearsightedness and help them see city issues beyond their own backyards.
“We first noticed something was wrong when they kept insisting they were a leftist progressive organization while presenting housing and tax policies championed by the right,” said Dr. Iris Seymore, an ophthalmologist who examined several CVT members. “They can see property taxes, parking, zoning changes and anything that might affect the value or character of their own homes with remarkable clarity. Everything else is completely blurry.”
The diagnosis came shortly after CVT released a mayoral candidate questionnaire that appeared to be less of a search for a candidate than a political eye exam designed to determine whether their preferred 80-year-old candidate could see through a series of questions written specifically for him.
A CVT spokesperson insists the questionnaire was simply intended to identify the most progressive candidate.
“It’s very important that candidates share our values,” said the spokesperson. “For example, we believe a progressive government should protect single-family neighborhoods, cut property taxes, preserve parking spaces, and let longtume homeowners dictate who can come here and for what purpose. We also believe the government should do things to help others, but we haven’t quite figured out what that looks like.”
The group’s nearsightedness has become particularly severe as members appear unable to see how more affordable housing, new libraries, sidewalks, and bike lanes can contribute to a progressive society.
“The mission to achieve progress in Takoma Park has already been accomplished and we don’t see the need for more of it,” said longtime resident Sally Gibson. “What we need is to conserve and protect our city from new or different ideas. If only there was a catchy word to describe our new change-free approach to progressivism.”
The condition has also made it difficult for CVT to recognize the incumbent mayor, a young progressive woman who apparently falls outside the group’s preferred field of vision.
“We held up a picture of the mayor,” said Dr. Seymore. “They claimed they haven’t seen her around and that she isn’t doing enough. Then we held up a property-tax bill. Then they said she’s everywhere and doing way too much.”
The group’s vision problems may also explain its opposition to expanding council terms from two years to four. According to doctors, this is especially understandable given that the three councilmembers associated with CVT quit after a single two-year term as they couldn’t see themselves wanting the job anymore.
When doctors recommended that Community Vision Takoma broaden its vision beyond Wards 1 and 3, the group declined, saying it would first need to conduct a series of community-wide listening sessions to determine whether they also needed hearing aids.
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