TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Runaway Horse, star of the recent Takoma Park Independence Day parade, is bursting out of the gate with a significant lead over her opponents in the Ward 3 City Council race, a new Gallop Poll shows.
According to the poll, the Runaway Horse is up by double digits, casting a dangerous shadow over her closest competitor. It has been reported that residents hope the new candidate will bring real horsepower to local government, help rein in the city’s spending, and whip city employees into shape.
“She blew past everyone at the parade, and now she’s winning our hearts,” said Jacques E. Ryder of Takoma Radio. “Hold onto your horses, folks, because this race is going to be a photo finish!”
The Runaway Horse first rode into popularity last week, when she magnificently ran wild the wrong way down the entire parade route. Some saw it as an act of defiance against “The Man.” Others say she was rushing off to pay her parking meter. Either way, residents believe they shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth and plan to vote for the Stable Genius.
“This is the last straw for us residents who have had it with our leaders running roughshod all over us,” said Ward 3 resident Sharon Sycamore. “It’s time to pony up because Takoma Park needs someone ready to stirrup trouble and fight for Mane Street, not Wall Street!”
On a newly-launched Bluesky account, the Runaway Horse’s campaign shared key items of her platform including:
– Installing dedicated horse lanes on every street
– Requiring a minimum of 8 hitching posts at every commercial space
– Allowing the construction of Accessory Stable Units
– Converting the city’s dog park into a horse ranch
– Placing all barns on the historic register
– Prohibiting glue factories
– Bucking the Minor Master Plan to bring back Washington Adventist Veterinarian Hospital.
Even national pundits are weighing in on the Takoma Park fray. Ezra Klein of the New York Times tweeted, “A dark horse candidate that’s literally a dark-colored horse? That wasn’t on my 2024 bingo card.” Anderson Cooper tweeted, “She’ll definitely take her competition out to pasture.”
Even though the Runaway Horse vaulted into the lead with a spur-of-the-moment candidacy, her competition remained undeterred. “Look, I’m a distance horse, not a sprinter. It won’t be furlong before she gets tired, but I have the legs to carry me across that finish line,” said candidate Matt Bormet and Owner of People’s Book. “This isn’t my first rodeo. It’s just not prudent to switch horses and turn away from over 100 years of human leadership.”
When reached for comment, the Runaway Horse was busy filling her nose-bag with bulk organic oats at the Co-Op, and even when plied with sugar cubes, seemed unconcerned about speaking to the press, clearly signaling her feelings that all the hype over this local election is horseshit.
