TAKOMA PARK, MD – Residents can breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing Jeff Bezos has just announced that all Amazon Prime Day orders shipped to Takoma Park will be hidden in Etsy boxes in order to prevent shoppers from being judged by neighbors.
“We can’t afford to lose the Takoma Park customer base, which has a ton of rich folks who really hate giant corporations but can’t pass up a good deal when they see one,” said Bezos. “So we took a page from the way Penthouse inconspicuously delivers porno magazines to their subscribers, and now every hypocritical anti-corporatist can still enjoy their two day shipping.”
Under a separate website called Takomazon Prime, city residents can log in using Google’s Incognito browser and grab the same deals available on Amazon Prime Day as well as several special bonus deals exclusive to Takoma Park. Takomazon Prime Day deals include:
- Only $7.50 for organic milk
- 35% off construction materials for the new library expansion
- Buy one, get one free backyard goats
- Free Dissent dog collars with every biodegradable poop bag order
- Half off all rooster graphic tees
To further protect Takoma Park residents, Takomazon Prime plans to park their delivery vans in neighboring Langley Park while deploying a fleet of pennyfarthings to make local deliveries. Also, if a return is needed, Takomazon Prime has acquired several drop boxes disguised to look like voting ballet boxes, allowing residents to appear to be performing their civic duty rather than feeding a corporate behemoth.
While most residents were thrilled about the news, some long term residents were outraged that Amazon targeted a town with a history of unconditional support for small local businesses, except for those that apply for liquor licenses.
“We simply cannot allow Amazon to destroy Takoma Park with shameless consumerism while destroying the planet with their delivery trucks,” said Susan Thompson while wearing a North Face down jacket. “If I want to buy a 65″ flat screen television, I’ll do it the old fashioned way: driving 30 miles round trip to Rockville to buy it from another big box retailer, and then calling my friend from Frederick who owns a pick up truck to deliver it to my house because it won’t fit in my Prius.”
Most residents, though, appreciate the effort by Bezos to protect their liberal identities with Etsy packaging. “Thank goodness for Takomazon Prime. Having your neighbors find out that you shop at Amazon is the ultimate social death penalty in this city,” said Ashley Ferguson. “It’s almost as bad as the way you are judged based on which mayoral candidate’s sign is displayed in your yard.”