Since every single relevant and irrelevant group in Takoma Park feels the need to bombard candidates running for local elections with lengthy lists of questions, we thought…why not us, too?
So, here is the official 2020 Takoma Torch Candidate Questionnaire. Any candidate (or non-candidate) serious about landing our exclusive endorsement for an extremely low wage job responding to the urgent demands of needy and irrational constituents should send their thoughtful answers to firstname.lastname@example.org. Or, if you’re a true bold leader who scoffs in the face of adversity, post your answers directly in the comments section of one of our social media pages.
1. How long have you lived in Takoma Park, and why does that make you an inherently more valuable human being than someone who moved here more recently?
2. Rate your wokeness on a scale from 1 to 10.
3. Between the Roscoe the Rooster Statue, the Co-Op and the Farmers Market, who would you Kiss/Marry/Kill?
4. What is your 5 point plan for dealing with the poop your dog made on your walk around the neighborhood?
5. What Torch article were you most ashamed to laugh at?
6. If asked to contribute to the Mole Mural on New Hampshire Avenue, what highly controversial image would you paint?
7. Who is currently the sexiest Montgomery County politician? Explain your choice without any references to that person’s physical appearance.
8. Which Golden Girl are you, and why?
9. Why did the rooster cross the road?
10. What would you rename the Washington Football Team?
11. In a population of 18,000, how many Republicans should be allowed to live in Takoma Park?
12. Gunshots or Fireworks?
13. How many more businesses and people can Takoma Park add before it becomes Bethesda?
14. If caught in a major scandal, which local establishment would you choose to hold your press conference explaining yourself?
15. How many trees have you cut down illegally on your property? Don’t worry, we won’t tell.
Please remember to VOTE on November 3rd!!!!!!!!