TAKOMA PARK, MD – A recent audit conducted by a local freelancer determined that Takoma Park could save millions on municipal projects if wasteful payments weren’t being made to all of the corporate shills who support new construction.
“I spent thousands of my own time and money conducting a thorough audit of the library expansion project, the Takoma Junction development and other building projects in the city,” said Valerie Davidson while taking a break from trolling the local listserv. “In my research, which was largely conducted by reading Facebook comments, I determined there are thousands of residents clearly on the city’s payroll because otherwise there is absolutely no reason to support new buildings in an area with a growing population. It’s just lunacy!”
Davidson estimates that approximately three thousand people, both residents and non-residents, must be receiving monthly payouts to advocate for increased development in the city. Her calculations are based on the higher than expected cost of construction for current projects, as well as the number of yard signs she’s seen in support of the mayoral candidate she opposes.
“This corruption is happening right under our noses and involves people we mistakenly thought were our friends and neighbors,” said Davidson. “Every day I see these same people eating at local restaurants and shopping at local stores, and you have to wonder if all of these establishments are also on the take. We need to fully audit every individual and business in this town who support more development, and uncover the truth.”
While Davidson’s research has largely been ignored by the media due to its ridiculous assumptions and flagrant errors of basic math, a growing number of residents are demanding the city respond to these allegations of city-wide payouts to people who don’t share “Takoma Park values,” a term they have yet to define but often use as a tactic to make others feel inferior.
“I’ve lived in this city my whole life before all these new people moved here and ruined it,” said Betsy Rogers while sipping her daily latte at Takoma Beverage Company. “I don’t know anything about these people, but it’s clear their ultimate goal is to destroy Takoma Park by turning it into a destination that attracts people to eat at great restaurants and patronize local businesses. That’s not the REAL Takoma Park!”
