Stephen Miller Promises God He’ll Be Less Evil If He Survives COVID-19

WASHINGTON, DC – At home after testing positive for COVID-19, White House adviser Stephen Miller announced plans to atone for a portion of his sins and become a somewhat better person in an effort to make it into heaven should he die from the virus.

“After consultation with my rabbi, my wife, Katie, and close friends, the old Stephen Miller who created policies that ripped kids away from their parents and put them in cages is no longer,” said Miller in an interview with KWUV-TV. “The new Stephen Miller will be rededicating his life to the cause of resettling refugees and asylum seekers, even if they happen to come from shithole countries.”

His remarks are a stark reversal from his views from just a few weeks ago on Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of repentance, where he declined to atone for any past sins. Miller, who grew up in Santa Monica, declined calls to quit the Trump administration and embrace his roots in California’s progressive Jewish community. Instead, he said he plans to work with white nationalist leaders to make a 10% reduction in racist and bigoted comments.

Analysts said Miller, who came to prominence working for racist politicians, appeared worried that the Almighty God would not look too kindly on his past promotions of white nationalist ideologies including genocide, immigrants as criminals, and eugenics.

“I have spent my whole life trying to create an America that looks more like the Brady Bunch. I’ve developed a Muslim ban, disparaged black people both at home and abroad, and brought misery to so many people of color. I even won an award for it,” said Miller, while shedding his skin under a heated lamp. “But now that I’m terrified I might die, I really need to do something in the next few days to totally redeem myself in the eyes of the Almighty. So today, I plan to eat at Taco Bell. That helps those lazy Mexicans, right?”

Today on Twitter, Miller publicly shared a list of items he “promises” to do if God helps him survive COVID-19, including saying hello to Ben Carson when passing him in the hall, recognizing Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as a US citizen, and removing the swastika tattoo from his right buttock.

Democrats, who showed no effort to hide their excitement for Miller’s diagnosis, questioned the length of time it took for him to become infected when his wife contracted the disease several months ago. Rumors were quickly shut down when Katie responded that she was very careful to make sure Stephen stayed in his terrarium at night, and washed her hands before and after feeding him live mice each night for dinner.