Hurricanes Flee to Takoma Park’s Nuclear-Free Zone

Feeling threatened by President Trump’s suggestion that his national security officials drop nuclear weapons into storms, hurricanes across the Atlantic Ocean changed course and immediately headed straight for Maryland. The caravan of fleeing storms is building up in the Gulf of Mexico and expected to hit the U.S. border soon.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” stated local meteorologist Doug Kammerer. “At least fifteen storms joined forces to create a super-hurricane with speeds up to 300 miles per hour.”

In 1983, the Takoma Park City Council unanimously adopted an ordinance declaring the city a nuclear-free zone. Meteorologists believe the hurricanes are heading to the small city to seek refuge.

Hearing the news, the Mayor announced Takoma Park a “sanctuary city” for all storms, including hurricanes, tornadoes, and cyclones. “Takoma Park is a place of peace and refuge for all, regardless of wind speed,” she declared.

Residents had mixed feelings. “I think we need to uphold Takoma Park values to ensure ALL things are treated with dignity and respect,” stated Maxine Devers. “Hurricanes are people, too.”

Other residents, like John Michaels, had an opposite reaction. “WE ARE ALL GOING TO (expletive) DIE!!!”

In planning a welcoming ceremony for the super hurricane, the City Staff met to discuss the logistics of receiving such a massive storm. When asked about her reactions when the City Arborist raised the issue of increased wind speed being problematic for the tree canopy, the City Manager stated, “You could hear a gnat fart in that meeting.”