Dr. Fauci Corrects President’s Claims About Spreading Cooties

WASHINGTON, DC – During yesterday’s White House press briefing, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, contradicted the President’s claim that touching people of the opposite sex can give you cooties.

Trump originally made his statement in response to a White House correspondent’s question about COVID-19 testing. Deviating further off subject, Trump went on to explain that the FDA had recently approved a cooties vaccine that can be administered by drawing two circles on someone’s arm, followed by two pokes with your index finger and reciting the chant “Circle circle, dot dot, now you have the cootie shot.”

Minutes later, Fauci stepped up to the podium and told the correspondent that the President’s claims were indeed untrue. “There is no discernible proof that touching people of the opposite sex will transfer cooties,” said Dr. Fauci while face palming. “That claim was thoroughly debunked in first grade.”

Fauci’s correction didn’t stop the President from continuing to repeat his assertions. Following the press event, Trump immediately took to social media to announce the warning to his followers in a tweet that read:

“Men need to protect themselves from cooties, or Female Virus, by staying at least 6 feet away from Nasty Women like Nancy Pelosi…her District in California has rapidly become one of the worst anywhere in the U.S. when it comes to Cooties. It’s a very sad scene. “

Dr. Fauci also corrected several other false claims made by the President by assuring the media that stepping on a crack will not break your mother’s back, and that it is perfectly safe to pick up a penny with tails showing.