ROCKVILLE, MD – After several reports showing Montgomery County has lost many of its townhomes, fourplexes, and accessory apartments, County Executive Marc Elrich requested assistance from U.S Marshals in a full-fledged manhunt for so-called “missing middle” housing in the area.
“Finding affordable housing is the county’s top focus right now,” said Elrich, while promising to veto Councilmember Will Jawando’s proposed bill to convert single family zones into multifamily near public transit. “We put out an APB and bloodhounds are already tracking their scent. Tell your loved ones not to worry, we will find housing for them really soon.”
Inspired by Tommy Lee Jones’ character while watching “The Fugitive,” Elrich decided he needed to start thinking outside the box if he wanted to tackle housing policy. He immediately ordered “Reward” signs be posted on every utility poll, had images of missing middle housing printed on all locally manufactured milk cartons, and even sent out an Amber Alert in hopes that someone has seen any sign of affordable housing in the past 24 hours.
One anonymous tip led Elrich and the Marshals to Brighton Dam in Sandy Spring, where an accessory dwelling unit (ADU) was cornered near where the dam abuts the reservoir. Standing at the edge of the dam 150′ above the reservoir, the ADU was heard shouting “I didn’t kill my neighbors’ property values!” to which Elrich responded, “I don’t care!” But the ADU promptly leapt into the reservoir and disappeared, leading Elrich and his team to double down on their intensive search effort.
“I don’t know if all of our missing middle housing units ran away or if someone took them but I have my suspicions,” added Elrich. “They’re out there somewhere, and I won’t rest until I find them. We’re performing a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to find any missing middle house in Montgomery County. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Let’s go get ’em.”