Internal Poll Finds Our Internal Poll Awesome and Your Internal Poll Dumb

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, MD – As the race for Montgomery County Executive enters its final weeks, a groundbreaking new internal poll has confirmed what political scientists have long suspected: internal polls are most accurate when announced by the candidate paying for them.

The poll, commissioned by the Society for Transforming Uncertainty into Positive Internal Data (STUPID), found that 97% of campaign professionals believe their own polling is highly reliable, while 94% believe their opponents’ polling was likely conducted by a drunk intern using a Magic 8-Ball. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus whatever is necessary to maintain the desired narrative.

The findings come after all three leading candidates released internal polling showing themselves leading the race with a combined 174% of the vote with only two weeks to go.

Councilmember Andrew Friedson’s campaign released a survey demonstrating that voters overwhelmingly support Andrew Friedson, particularly after hearing positive information about Andrew Friedson and negative information about everyone else. Meanwhile, Councilmember Will Jawando unveiled polling showing a statistical tie at the top, which campaign officials described as “essentially a commanding mandate.” Councilmember Evan Glass’s team pointed to its own polling showing Glass in first place and declared that “the voters have spoken, provided you ask the right voters in the right order.”

“All three polls can’t be right,” said local political analyst Janet Weaver. “But somehow all three campaigns have concluded that theirs is the only one conducted using science.”

Sources say campaign strategists are already preparing the next phase of polling, in which respondents will be informed that their preferred candidate once saved a puppy from a burning school while the opposing candidates personally raised property taxes on orphans.

Several undecided voters expressed confusion after learning that each candidate appears to be simultaneously winning the race.

“I’ve seen three different polls this week,” said Silver Spring resident Mark Henderson. “Apparently Friedson is ahead, Jawando is ahead, and Glass is ahead. At this point I’m just waiting for a poll showing they’re all county executive already.”

Political observers expect additional surveys to be released in the coming days proving conclusively that whichever candidate commissioned them is on the verge of a historic landslide victory.