SILVER SPRING, MD – After years of failing to raise everyone else’s kids, teach them proper manners, save them from active shooters, and protect them from Coronavirus, teachers were ordered by the State of Maryland to take on another thankless, difficult task above and beyond their job description: finishing construction on the Purple Line rail project.
“We’re tired of hearing excuses from these teachers who live such cushy lifestyles while the rest of us struggle to work from home while raising our own children,” said Maryland Department of Transportation Secretary Greg Slater. “It’s time for these lazy teachers to quit complaining, grab a shovel, get certified to operate a crane, and do some real work!”
The renewed focus on Purple Line completion comes as Maryland transit officials are threatening to dissolve the public-private partnership due to a massive $755 million construction cost overrun. If the partnership is dissolved, the State of Maryland has indicated it will step in and see the project through to completion.
“Our local governments know exactly what to do when facing a budget crisis,” said State Senator J. B. Jennings. “We simply strip all education funding to balance the budget, and let the teachers figure out how to pull off a miracle with no money. Sure they cry and complain, but it’s called motivation. In the end, they always make it work somehow, and they’ll do so again in this situation.”
When asked if he felt it was fair to force teachers to work on major infrastructure projects on top of their regular duties, Governor Larry Hogan bragged about his proposal to include the purchases of tools and heavy equipment in Maryland’s Tax-Free Week in August.