Takoma Junction Parking Lot Announces Candidacy for Mayor

TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a shocking turn of events, the Takoma Junction parking lot has entered the 2020 Mayoral race, marking the first time a land mass has run for office in the city.

Supporters of the parking lot were excited to get behind a candidate that, if successful, could single-handedly derail the development of a two story skyscraper on itself and end the Bethesdafication of their Suburban Lifestyle Dream.

“We want a candidate that can bring real change to our town,” said Karen Mills. “But it can only be the kind of change that doesn’t challenge my preconceived notions and ideas, which rules out basically anything except the status quo. So what better way to protect that than by electing a parking lot that is literally physically unable to effect any change whatsoever?”

Even though it is considered a long shot candidate, the parking lot enjoys the benefit of name recognition, which is an important asset in a race to defeat a popular two-term incumbent. Although it has never before held public office, the parking lot is extremely well known among likely city voters and is especially adored by voters over the age of 55. It could end up, however, splitting the vote with its own allies, several of whom are also planning to run for office.

“Everyone knows about this parking lot, even people who live outside the city,” said Jan Greene. “After all, Takoma Park does act like the center of the universe, even for trivial issues like battling the evil construction of two story buildings on half used parking lots. We’re a special kind of people.”

While hundreds announced their immediate support for the 25,000 square foot asphalt pavement land parcel, others questioned the qualifications of an inanimate parking lot for the grueling and hands-on job of mayor. Fortunately, the lot’s campaign managers did their homework.

“It may seem out of the ordinary, but the parking lot technically meets all of the requirements to run for Mayor,” said the City Manager. “It resides within the city limits, is at least 18 years old, and, most importantly, it is a highly controversial figure.”

Should the parking lot fail in its bid to become the city’s first explicitly pro-car mayor, it still seems to have a bright future in Maryland politics beyond Takoma Park. Peter Franchot plans to endorse the lot to succeed him for State Comptroller, and Marc Elrich has already been seen campaigning for the parking lot to run for the seat on the county council currently held by Tom Hucker.


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