After an accusation that a local organic grocery store in a progressive city mistreated minority employees, a report by its loyal, white patrons concluded that it’s not possible for racism to exist in a store that doesn’t sell Aunt Jemima brand syrup, among other racially insensitive branded items.
“We searched every aisle in the store looking for racism. Nowhere could we find any Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben’s, or Mrs. Buttersworth products on the shelves,” said Penelope Loman, who brags about having read White Fragility when it was first published. “For this reason, we deny any and all of these baseless allegations. This concludes our full report, which will be posted on Facebook so people know it is legit.”
The accusation, which was posted anonymously on the community’s very civil and non-toxic Facebook group, sparked a massive frenzy of passive aggressive banter that made the recent constant barrage of late night fireworks feel like relaxing smooth jazz.
Some residents were so dismayed by the idea that an act of racism could have happened in their progressive city that they immediately began forming conspiracy theories in order to dismiss the accuser and create doubt.
“I wasn’t there, nor do I have any proof, but once I saw that ridiculous accusation, I immediately knew, without a doubt, it was some alt-right, QAnon member trying to infiltrate and destroy us,” said Gene Peterson, whose Instagram profile picture is still a black square. “Clearly they can’t defeat our liberal values, so they’ve resorted to destroying the institutions that hold us all together. If they can cut off our supply of organic kale and Kashi cereal, they’ll win the election.”
Even those less inclined to traffic in conspiracy theories firmly rejected the allegations. “I’ve personally never witnessed any racism while shopping in our store,” said member Kara Wilkes, who says Lizzo is her favorite musical artist. “We even have an ‘All Are Welcome Here’ sign posted right on the front door. Would a racist store have that? No way. Case closed.”