Alternative Medicine Practices Quickly Fill Void From Washington Adventist Hospital Relocation

TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Washington Adventist Hospital (WAH) is finally closing its doors after years of planning their relocation to Silver Spring. WAH has served the city and surrounding community for decades and the void has left many residents worried.

“They promised to leave vital services in place for emergencies,” stated Gene Richmond wearing a Bob Marley shirt. “Now I’ll have to drive two extra miles to obtain my glaucoma prescription!”

While many fear that the lack of a local hospital could hurt the community, dozens of residents claiming to be medical experts rose to the challenge. Abby Doolittle can’t wait to begin operating her holistic medicine practice out of the 2nd floor of the former hospital building. “I’ve already invested thousands of dollars in incense, essential oils, and an internet cafe where patients can look up their symptoms on WebMD,” stated Doolittle.

Keith Greenfield plans to replace the emergency room with a self-healing center. “Our brain is our natural healer,” proclaimed Greenfield. “We can actually use the power of positivity to fix broken bones from traffic accidents at the horribly laid out Takoma Junction intersection.”

Other practices opening as soon as WAH vacates later this month include a fortune-telling diagnosis office, a magic crystal cancer treatment service, a Church of Scientology-sponsored psychiatric ward, and a cryogenic whole-head transplant center.

“Finally, this is the true hospital Takoma Park has been waiting for,” stated Claire Nolan, Author of What They Don’t Want You to Know About 5G Cell Towers. “No longer will these doctors and surgeons get paid money to work over 80 hours per week saving lives!”

In addition to medical services, part of the hospital campus will include some new retail businesses such as a vintage clothing store, a drive-thru gelateria, and a typewriter repair shop.

When asked to comment on the community’s fast response to replace hospital services, WAH President Terry Forde replied, “This is ultimately the reason we decided to leave Takoma Park. We needed to find a location with people who actually trust professional medical advice.”