Historic District to Prohibit Ghosts of Christmas Present and Future

TAKOMA PARK, MD – Longtime residents can finally sleep peacefully after the Montgomery County Historic Preservation Commission (HPC) announced its latest ordinance: an official ban on the Ghosts of Christmas Present and Future from haunting historic districts.

Wealthy homeowners, who have long resisted sharing their land or acknowledging life outside their 5-bedroom, million-dollar Victorians, claimed the ghosts posed a threat to the “charm” and “character” of the neighborhood.

“The Ghost of Christmas Present barged into my bedroom at 2 am last night insisting on showing me uncomfortable images of people struggling to pay rent,” said Beverly Wickfield, a Cedar Avenue resident who describes her historic home as “a museum to myself.” “But I simply cannot sacrifice some of my 2-acre property next to the Metro for an affordable housing complex. Where would I park my second Tesla?”

HPC has cited numerous complaints about the Ghost of Christmas Future as well. Residents argue that the ominous specter showing them a bleak, unaffordable Takoma Park with homeless camps taking over the Old Town Gazebo is both “disturbing” and “bad for property values.”

“It’s fearmongering, pure and simple,” said Drew Peters, a local advocate for single-family zoning and single-pane windows. “My wife and I didn’t fight for decades to keep modern architecture out of this neighborhood just to have some ghost tell us that climate change or a housing crisis will affect us. Frankly, we find the future offensive.”

Notably, the Ghost of Christmas Past remains welcome in Takoma Park, as its nostalgic visions of the good old days – when houses cost $30,000 and diversity meant two kinds of soup at the co-op – align perfectly with residents’ ideals.

Meanwhile, local activists have pushed back. “This is just another example of the wealthy ignoring the plight of others,” said one protestor dressed like Tiny Tim, who was promptly shooed out of the historic district for a growling stomach that exceeded the decibel limit of the city’s noise ordinance.

At press time, a petition to allow the Ghosts of Christmas Present and Future to haunt Ward 6 instead had garnered thousands of signatures, as residents reasoned the less affluent part of town could “use the lesson more.”