The Takoma Torch 2023 Holiday Gift Guide

Ah, the holidays in Takoma Park – a time when the streets glow with solar-powered Christmas lights that have been up since last year, and the scent of locally sourced, fair-trade gingerbread wafts through the air. It’s a season of mindfulness, sustainability, and, of course, the subtle art of shopping while maintaining your status as a fierce anti-capitalist.

As you navigate the Takoma Park holiday landscape, let our gift guide be your beacon, guiding you through a realm where ugly Christmas sweaters are compostable, and every stocking stuffer tells a tale of ethical indulgence. Welcome to the Takoma Torch’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide: where festive meets mindful, and joy wears a bicycle helmet.

1. Custom “In This House, We Believe” Yard Sign

Now you, too, can display all of your opinions to the entire fucking neighborhood. Made from recycled political mailers.

2. A $100 gift card to that local restaurant that’s already announced it is going out of business next week.

3. Digital Flag Display

A sign pre-programmed with every possible flag so when there’s a new conflict, you can instantaneously show your support for whichever side is more popular. Includes Blue Lives Matter flag for when you need to call the cops.

4. Front Yard Art-of-the-Month Club
Keep your rotating display of quirky yard art going strong. It’s the gift that keeps on getting weird stares all year long.
(Photo Credit: Brian Talbot)

5. “Affordable For Who?” Coffee Mug
Enjoy your favorite organic, pour-over coffee on the front porch of your million dollar single-family house while showing everyone that you know what 30% AMI means.

6. Re-gifted Item From Local “Buy Nothing” Group
It’s the thought that counts.
(Photo Credit: Kati Neudert)

7. Clutchable Pearls
Now 60% more clutchable!

8. Noise Canceling Headphones
Listen to your favorite tunes at 3am to drown out those late night fireworks that get set off every goddamn night.

9. “Nimbee” Plush Toy Ornament
Show your love of 1950’s land use planning with a mini version of your local, anti-change superhero! Only $15 including shipping (excludes international orders and multi-family residences. Maximum order of 1 per 9,000 square foot lot).

10. Limited Edition Washington Adventist Hospital Snow Globe
Protect the memory of your favorite abandoned hospital site forever in this beautifully handcrafted work of art.

11. Accessory Gingerbread Unit kit
Comes with impossible to understand instructions preventing you from ever being able to complete it.

12. City Map Art of Takoma Park Excluding Areas Near New Hampshire Avenue
(Original Art by Terratorie: Etsy Shop)

13. Dr. Scholl’s Inserts for Birkenstocks
Be comfortable and pain-free while waiting in line to offer your 3 minute testimony to oppose new things.

14. Scented Yoga Mat
For when that Tom’s of Maine all-natural deodorant suddenly stops working in your hot Bikram yoga class.

15. Takomanopoly
A local adaptation of a classic board game where players work to end capitalism by terminating rent-seeking profiteers! Simply roll the dice to move your favorite token, such as a rescue dog, Toyota Prius, or cannabis plant, around the board to buy up and build single-family houses on historic streets. Just watch out for the pitfalls of Chance, Community Engagement and Property Tax! (Fortunately, there is no jail as the police have been defunded, and every space has Free Parking.)