Takoma Park to Burn $500,000 in Bonfire Bash to Celebrate Triumphant Halt of Takoma Junction Development

TAKOMA PARK, MD – After city officials announced a hefty financial settlement needed to legally terminate its contract with the developer of the now-defunct Takoma Junction project, residents quickly began planning a taxpayer-funded celebration to mark the rescue of their favorite municipal parking lot with a bonfire fueled by $500,000 in cold, hard cash.

“If you ask me, I’d say it’s well worth it,” said Karen McMillan of Elm Avenue, who led a fight against government spending increases in the city. “I’d rather have that taxpayer money go up in a blaze of glory than have 4 or 5 new for-profit small businesses we’ll feel obligated to support.”

The bonfire, scheduled to take place in the very parking lot that could have housed the dreaded development, is poised to be a celebration of Takoma Park’s acclaimed progressive values, which have remained unchanged since 1968. Local artisans will perform interpretive dances depicting the decade-long battle between longtime resident heroes and newcomer villains while a choir of activists sings ballads lamenting the feared reduction of co-op patrons.

“It’s symbolic, you know?” said one jubilant resident waving a reusable co-op shopping bag as a victory flag. “The flame represents our burning desire to make absolutely no progress in our community, while the circle we create around it represents the endless cycle of bullshit and cost we’ll put the next developer through if they dare try this again!”

The $500,000, initially intended for infrastructure improvements and community initiatives, will now find its destiny as kindling for the flames of anti-development fervor. Attendees are encouraged to bring non-GMO, gluten-free marshmallows and locally harvested sticks from Sligo Creek for toasting over the smoldering remains of what might have been.