ROCKVILLE, MD – In a dramatic turn of events, residents are arming themselves with an unconventional excuse to resist a proposed bill aiming to ban minimum parking requirements: emotional support cars.
“I just can’t imagine going anywhere without my car,” lamented Rockville resident Brian Whiner while softly petting the hood of a 2014 Jeep Cherokee connected to his wrist by a 6-foot leash. “Being even one block away from my four-wheeled companion will inflict severe emotional distress and mental anguish on me and my family.”
If passed by the council, the bill will eliminate minimum parking requirements for new residential projects located within a half-mile radius of a Metro Station. The ultimate goal is to lower the cost of building housing near public transit and reduce traffic. However, according to some mental health experts, even the mere thought that someone else might want to live a car-free, urban lifestyle could trigger an emotional breakdown for suburban car owners.
“Research indicates there’s a strong bond between a person living in the suburbs and the vehicle they spend a large chunk of their lives in while sitting in traffic,” said Dr. Margaret Fisk, an expert in helping drivers cope with the trauma of sharing roads with cyclists. “When you force a person to abandon their vehicle, you break that special bond, which could lead to self-inflicted harm, like walking, riding a bike, or, god forbid…taking public transportation!”
To protest the bill, residents have transformed urban parking lots into impromptu group therapy sessions. Cars, wearing “emotional support vehicle” vests, gather in circles as their owners share tales of woe about pothole-induced trauma and the existential dread of parking meters. One resident tearfully described the heartbreak of being told they couldn’t board a flight to Paris unless they left their car in the BWI economy parking lot.
Fortunately for these residents, the Office of the County Executive is on their side. With the help of Maryland State Senator Ben Kramer, County Executive Marc Elrich is using his executive authority to create a mental health agency within the Department of Transportation to expedite the registration process for emotional support vehicles for any Montgomery County resident that fears going into a big, scary urban city.