WASHINGTON, DC – Amid growing tensions resulting from the unilateral decision of moderators to “sprout” Takoma Park’s “Buy Nothing Project” into smaller groups, President Joe Biden promised to unite the curb-alert community.
“I don’t know what the hell ‘sprouting’ even means, but when I was sworn in as president, I called for unity,” said Biden. “People may live in different parts of the city and have varying levels of income. But when it comes to putting crap out on the curb for someone else to pick up, stick in their garage, forget about for a year, and eventually throw away, Takoma Park is stronger when everyone has equal opportunities.”
The Buy Nothing Project is a national movement with a goal of promoting a true gift economy by only allowing members to give or loan items without exchanging currency. After unprecedented growth pushed its membership to almost 8% of this small city, moderators of the Takoma Park community felt demand for unmatched used socks was too high and unilaterally drew new boundary lines, causing a huge uproar on the group’s Facebook page.
“I truly believe that love has no borders, just as it says on the free yard sign I found through this group,” said moderator Gary Allman on Sycamore Avenue. “But, unfortunately, access to free, partially used all-natural deodorant containers does have borders. I had to draw the line.”
Moderators also set harsh penalties for breaking the border rules of the new “sprouts”, including week-long suspensions, or, for repeat offenders, forcing the sale of unwanted items for a profit.
In response, Biden proposed the Takoma Free Trade Agreement, or TAFTA, which, if signed, will eliminate any tariffs on items free for the taking, including back issues of Parents magazine, NPR tote bags, and antique glass eyeballs.
The decision to sprout was also seen by many members of the Buy Nothing community as highly discriminatory, as boundary lines were coincidentally drawn to separate the wealthiest, whiter neighborhoods of Takoma Park from areas with larger percentages of minorities and lower incomes. To address these accusations of racism, the Biden Administration has forced Buy Nothing moderators to seek training on diversity and inclusion. A new notice on the group’s Facebook page is currently advertising for anyone willing to provide such advice for free, or as part of a barter arrangement in exchange for an old IKEA dresser with four out of five functioning drawers.