As professional athletes, celebrities, and business owners across the nation have finally felt the need to formally apologize for “insensitive” statements about black people, Hallmark has seized the opportunity with new apology cards designed specifically for racists.
In Hallmark’s new “Sorry I’m a Racist” line, available exclusively at CVS, it’s now easier than ever to find the perfect card to tell that special someone how sorry you are for being an asshole, and what you plan to do to change your behavior and educate yourself.
“We hope people will use these cards to express remorse for a whole range of racist statements and actions, whether you’re a drunk uncle, a cop-calling Karen, or a cyclist from Montgomery County that assaults children hanging Black Lives Matter signs on public bike trails,” said Hallmark Vice President Becky Morrison. “It’s, like, literally the least you can do.”
The new line immediately attracted some high profile customers. “Thank goodness Hallmark has made this process so much easier,” said NFL quarterback Drew Brees. “They found the perfect way to say ‘I didn’t mean to destroy my entire career with one totally stupid tweet, and I hope my offensive line will still protect me when the season starts’.”
Hallmark has also created a corporate series of Apology cards for local businesses desperate to win back customers after encouraging police brutality against people exercising their right to free speech. “We really think we completely redeemed ourselves from our awful Facebook posts with this $3.59 card,” stated ice cream shop owner Ruth Davidson.
So far, sales seem to be doing very well for Hallmark in this new category. If things go as planned, marketing directors for the company have announced a larger expansion of Apology cards, including “Sorry I Voted for Jill Stein,” and “Sorry I Thought Covid Was a Hoax.”