WHEATON, MD – The Montgomery County Parks Department has decided to reinstate the popular pandemic-era policy allowing alcohol consumption in public parks, but only when the alcohol being consumed is the special edition Alcohol Beverage Services (ABS) beer.
“This is a win-win for residents and the county government,” said County Executive Marc Elrich. “People get to enjoy drinking outdoors again and the county can continue being funded by our unpopular monopoly on alcohol.”
In a joint effort with Silver Branch Brewing Co., ABS created this special edition beer to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the county’s tight grip on alcohol sales since the end of Prohibition. The cans have a distinct label that lets local law enforcement know that you bribed your way into being drunk in public by paying for a county propaganda product.
“We’re really proud of ourselves and wanted to celebrate our success with this special edition brew,” said ABS Director Kathie Durbin. “Our achievements, represented by this special product, will demonstrate to small businesses throughout the county that they, too, can be successful if the government intervenes on their behalf to legally suppress any competition.”
While some residents appreciated the new IPA brand, many felt the beer was an undeserved celebration of government overreach. In the model of Prohibition-era resistance, some county residents are creating speakeasies in hidden corners of certain parks, accessed by giving a secret password and filled with bootleg beer. These secret parks are increasingly popular but have also been accused of funneling money to local criminal syndicates, like liquor stores over the Montgomery County border.
In response, ABS created a high tech ink for its beer can labels that shows a hidden logo on authentic, non-counterfeit products. The extra technology doubles the cost of their six pack, but agency officials were unconcerned about the price hike. “What else are people going to do if they want to drink in our parks? Go to our competitor?” laughed Durbin while stroking her hairless cat.
The special edition ABS beer is for sale only at Silver Branch Brewing Co. The IPA has a strong hoppy flavor with a bittersweet aftertaste of overregulation and red tape.