WASHINGTON, DC – The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) has finally set the financial threshold for when political progressives can begin acting like heartless dickheads to the less fortunate while never acknowledging their own economic advantages. Effective immediately, the official cutoff is $750,000.
“When I first moved here right out of college, I enjoyed living with a roommate and getting around without a car because it helped me save money and was great for the environment,” said Marcel Rich. “But now that I’ve inherited some money and made partner at the firm where my dad used to work so that I can afford to buy a house, all these poor pieces of shit can get the fuck out. This traffic is out of hand.”
According to new IRS guidelines, self-described progressives with a net worth at or above the threshold can now rightfully be annoyed when the person in front of them at the grocery store is paying with food stamps, create school boundaries to keep less affluent kids away, and demand fast food restaurants serving poorer communities be banned in favor of expensive, organic restaurants because “they should care more about their children’s health.”
“Trust me, I recognize my privilege and understand that my good fortune and high income should require that I help those less fortunate,” said Alan Levittown. “But I voted for Bernie Sanders for crying out loud. That should buy me the right to be completely selfish on some issues. After all, it’s not my fault that I got mine, and now there’s not enough to go around for everyone else. Why should I have to suffer?”
In defense of his progressive record, Levittown mentioned the local Little Free Food Pantry he recently built in the middle of Chevy Chase, where a nice meal awaits any poor person that can make it there before Neighborhood Watch stops them.