DAMASCUS, MD – After a weekend of major announcements in the Democratic primary field, the Montgomery County Republican Party is celebrating an increase in their chance of winning in the general election to zero percent.
“Oh man, we’ve been waiting for this kind of meltdown for years, and now it’s finally our time!” said Republican candidate for County Executive Shelly Skolnick. “With the Dems totally consumed by their own disarray, the focus can now be on our party’s winning platform of creating white history month and peddling bizarre miracle cures the government doesn’t want you to know about.”
The county’s candidate filing deadline this past Friday saw a wave of huge last minute changes in the local Democratic primary races. Brandy Brooks dropped the first bombshell by announcing she was suspending her campaign for an at-large Council seat after admitting to allegations of sexual harrassment. Then, Councilmember Tom Hucker withdrew from the County Executive race and, instead, filed for an at-large seat. Capping off the crazy night was Al Carr deciding to vacate his unopposed reelection campaign for state delegate to run against two very strong female candidates for the District 4 Council seat.
“What a shit show!” said Republican Council Candidate Lenard Lieber. “These Democrats should take a page from our book and only field hyper-partisan conspiracy theorists as candidates. Then, they’ll keep expectations so low that they literally can’t disappoint in November. This has been our strategy for the past 20 years, and it’s worked every time.”
When asked if they had any hopes of ever winning a seat in this predominantly Democratic area, Lieber said he feels confident that Republicans will eventually “take back the county” once the COVID vaccine is finally activated and turns all Democrats into mindless robots controlled by Microsoft.